I’m currently on hiatus from writing and performing comedy sketches. In the meantime, feel free to visit The Comedy Cannon podcast.
Since 2013, I’ve been developing my writing and acting skills by creating and performing sketches and monologues on stage at comedy shows. Here are some of my most crowd-pleasing characters (in order of popularity).
Bambam is visiting your country as part of a work-exchange programme. He has much cultural wisdom to share with your inferior society and you should be grateful he takes the time to even talk to you sub-human vermin. He has the utmost respect for women, as demonstrated by the attention he lavishes upon his many wives. And by ‘attention’ he means ‘semen’. And by ‘wives’ he means ‘rent boys’.
Jay is a young, handsome, disarming and charming ex-public schoolboy. He tries – and usually fails – to deny his middle class roots and identifies more closely with the working class masses. A devout Corbynista, he despises those who coast on unearned privilege and continually confronts the condescension and conceits of the elites. He’s happy to lose friends and alienate people in his quest to challenge the hypocrisies prevalent at all levels of society. Jay is wilfully opprobrious, but always with a social justice purpose in mind.
MICHEL DE FROMAGE
Michel is an urbane Parisian who starts every performance with a rousing rendition of La Marseillaise, and insists his British audience show appropriate deference to this anthem to French cultural and military superiority. He constantly schools English men on their inadequacies in the sack, and English women on their inability to satisfy his own peculiar lusts.
Yorkshireman and proud, young Ronan is the world’s first and only Freelance Homosexual Ninja. They never see him coming!
BILL “UKIP” DUDLEY
After a lifetime dedicated to the Conservative Party, Bill was suspended from his job as Chairman of his Constituency Association in Birmingham when incriminating photos of him in Blackface appeared in the local newspaper. Disgusted with his party’s pandering to “political correctness gone mad”, Bill immediately defected to the significantly more right-wing UK Independence Party, where his misty-eyed nostalgia for, and encyclopaedic knowledge of, racially-insensitive 1960s/1970s sitcoms is both admired and respected. He is now an official Parliamentary candidate for UKIP, and his manifesto includes many sensible policies – including a 50% tax on curry powder, the abolition of pitta bread and a ban on bangra music on BBC radio.
RABBI HYMAN PATEL
Hyman is a Indian-American rabbi from New York city who has a love for gangster movies and a hatred for gentiles. He spends as much time away from his mother as possible. Partly because she wants him to relocate to Calcutta, but mainly because she’s a judgemental fat bitch who revels in conveying to others her unending disappointment in her one son who didn’t become an Orthodontist.